I Wrote This Instead of Screaming

You walk in soft, and I brace for the blow.
You're not him, but my body don't know.
I laugh too loud, then I shut down fast.
Scared you'll leave if I don't make it last.
You reach for me like it's no big deal,
and I flinch like love's not supposed to heal. 

Your steady hands and quiet eyes.
You don't rush when I fall behind.
For a second, I forget to run,
and it almost feels like being loved. 

I lock up when it's quiet,
freeze when it's kind.
If nothing is breaking, 
then something's not right.
I brace for the ending
before it begins.
Can't trust the silence,
can't let you in. 
I ask for peace, 
then shut every door.
You come in quiet,
I prepare for war. 

I catch myself rehearsing lies,
like how to leave before you do.
Then hate myself for pulling back
when all you ever are is true. 
I try to breathe, I try to stay, 
to let you see the mess I am.
But going soft feels like surrender. 
It's safer holding my own hand.

Your steady hands and quiet eyes,
you don't rush when I fall behind. 
For a second, I forget to run, 
and it almost feels like being loved. 

I lock up when it's quiet,
freeze when it's kind.
If nothing is breaking,
then something's not right.
I brace for the ending
before it begins.
Can't trust the silence,
can't let you in. 
I ask for peace, 
then shut every door.
You come in quiet,
I prepare for war. 

I check the exits, count the steps,
map the worst inside my head.
Hold my breath when you say "I'm here".
I brace like loss is what comes next. 
I catalog your every move,
waiting for the mask to slip.
I build escape plans just in case,
and then you kiss my shaking lips.

I still lock up when it's quiet, 
still freeze when it's kind.
But you hold me steady
through the noise in my mind.
I brace for the ending,
but you never flinch.
You whisper, "It's safe now,"
inch by loving inch. 
I asked you for peace...
you taught me its cost.
That love isn't leaving
and I'm not really lost.