I Wrote This Instead of Screaming

I used to sleep like a solider,
Boots by the bed, eyes on the door.
Now I lie still in the quiet
And wonder what I'm waiting for.
I don't miss the fire or the wreckage,
Just the way it made me move. 
When everything was burning,
At least I knew what to do.

Patched their walls, ignored my stress.
Thought my giving was my best. 
Now I'm safe, but I'm hollow inside. 
If I'm not their anchor, what am I?

Some days I miss the war, 
Miss the mess, miss the mission,
When survival gave me something 
That felt a lot like conviction.
Now I'm quiet and I feel thin,
Stretched between silence and adrenaline. 
Some days I miss the war,
'Cause at least I mattered then. 

I build my life with cleaner lines,
Fresh paint and dishes in the sink. 
But I still chase that aching high
Of being needed 'til I started to sink. 
I earned my worth in overtime,
In every mess I helped repair.
Now nothing needs me like it did,
And rest just feels unfair. 

Don't call me safe, just call me still. 
I traded panic for a prettier pill.
I smile like I'm not rotting out,
Like softness isn't something I carved from doubt.

Some days I miss the war,
Miss the mess, miss the mission,
When survival gave me something
That felt a lot like conviction. 
Now I'm quiet and I feel thin,
Stretched between silence and adrenaline.
Some days I miss the war,
'Cause at least I mattered then.

You want grace? You want warm hands?
Then take the ones that used to dam
Every flood, every fire, every fall.
I stitched myself up to feel at all.
I kissed the burn, I kept the score.
I begged to matter, then begged for more. 
I bled in rooms you'll never see,
And learned to call that loyalty.
So don't hand me peace like it's a gift.
Don't ask me to breathe while you watch me shift.
I've lived in chaos. I made it home.
Now stillness makes me feel alone. 

Some days I miss the war,
Miss the damage, miss the fire,
When every bruise had purpose,
And every scar meant I was trying.
I bought my peace with blood and bone.
Built calm on top of fear.
So don't tell me I should feel whole.
Just be glad that I'm still here.