I Wrote This Instead of Screaming

It’s 3 A.M. and the fridge is humming,
I’m not twenty-three, but the past keeps coming.
Calculator running inside my head:
Five years of “us,” eight years of “dead.”
The numbers don’t lie, they just draw a line;
This resentment’s the one thing still mine.

My friends are all tired of hearing my side,
They say, “Let it go, let the past just die.”
And forgiveness sounds pretty, like flowers and hymns,
But that’s just amnesia with better skin.

My anger has lasted longer than the marriage,
It’s the one damn thing I kept from the damage.
I’m still faithful to the grudge that you gave me.
It’s a permanent record, and it’s what saved me.
I’m so tired, I’m so tired...
But I still wish you the absolute worst.
I’m so tired, I’m so tired...
Yeah, I still wish you the absolute worst.

You didn’t just break a heart, you drew the blueprint
For an eighteen-year-old girl you could ruin.
You taught me love was a synonym for control,
Then called me crazy when I played the role.
You forged the armor, you taught me the fear.
You’d be so proud of the woman I am, dear.

My therapist says I’ve done the work,
But moving on feels like a coward’s quirk.
And forgiveness sounds pretty, like flowers and hymns,
But that’s just amnesia with better skin.

My anger has lasted longer than the marriage,
It’s the one damn thing I kept from the damage.
I’m still faithful to the grudge that you gave me.
It’s a permanent record, and it’s what saved me.
I’m so tired, I’m so tired...
But I still wish you the absolute worst.
I’m so tired, I’m so tired...
Yeah, I still wish you the absolute worst.

You’re probably sleeping. You probably don’t care.
You probably forgot the weight of that air.
And I’m thirty, still keeping score...
Does that make me the victim, or the war?
I’m so tired of the fight...
But what if forgiveness just turns off the light?

My anger has lasted longer than the marriage,
It's the one damn thing I kept from the damage.
I'm still faithful to the grudge that you gave me.
It's a permanent record, and it's what saved me.
I'm so tired, I'm so tired...
But I still wish you the absolute worst.
I'm so tired, I'm so tired...
Yeah, I still wish you the absolute worst.

Eight years.
Longer than the marriage.
...I was eighteen.
...Still wish you the worst.